{"id":41016,"date":"2026-03-05T13:20:14","date_gmt":"2026-03-05T11:20:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/?page_id=41016"},"modified":"2026-03-05T13:30:57","modified_gmt":"2026-03-05T11:30:57","slug":"bird-theory-bids-connection","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/psychology\/bird-theory-bids-connection\/","title":{"rendered":"The Bird Theory: What It Is and What It Reveals About Your Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<style>\r\n    h1{\r\n        font-size: 48px!important;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf h1, #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf h2, #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf h3,\r\n    #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf h4 {\r\n        letter-spacing: 0.02em;\r\n        color: #513D62;\r\n        font-weight: 700;\r\n        line-height: 1.3;\r\n        margin-bottom: 23px;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    p {\r\n        font-family: 'Karla', san-serif;\r\n        letter-spacing: 0.02em;\r\n        color: #000000;\r\n        font-size: 18px;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf img {\r\n        max-width: 100%;\r\n        height: auto;\r\n        object-fit: cover;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .small-separator {\r\n        width: px;\r\n        height: 10px;\r\n     margin-bottom: 2rem;\r\n        margin-left: 2rem;\r\n     background-color: #fff;\r\n\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper {\r\n        padding: auto;\r\n        background-color: #fff;\r\n        border-radius: 50px;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper table {\r\n        border: 1px solid #333840;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper table tr td {\r\n        border: 1px solid #333840;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper p, .text-wrapper a {\r\n        color: #333840 !important;\r\n        line-height: 23px;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper li {\r\n        letter-spacing: 0.02em;\r\n        color: #333840;\r\n        font-size: 18px;\r\n        line-height: 23px;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf    .text-wrapper h2 {\r\n        margin-bottom: 25px;\r\n        font-size: 38px !important;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf .text-wrapper h3 {\r\n        margin-bottom: 15px;\r\n        font-size: 32px !important;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf .text-wrapper h4 {\r\n        margin-bottom: 15px;\r\n        font-size: 28px !important;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n    @media (max-width: 480px) {\r\n\r\n    #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf .text-wrapper {\r\n        padding: auto;\r\n    }\r\n\r\n        #gutenberg-content #text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf img {\r\n            max-width: 100%;\r\n            height: auto;\r\n            object-fit: cover;\r\n        }\r\n    }\r\n<\/style>\r\n\r\n<div id=\"text_imageblock_b2ef5516415d7ddfc458b3fdf7f378cf\" class=\"container \" style=\"max-width: 900px;\">\r\n    <div class=\"row justify-content-sm-start justify-content-center\">\r\n        <div class=\"col-sm-12 order-sm-1 order-2\">\r\n            <div class=\"small-separator d-none\"><\/div>\r\n            <div class=\"text-wrapper\">\r\n                <p>If you\u2019ve been on Instagram or TikTok recently, you\u2019ve probably heard of <strong>the bird theory<\/strong>. The bird theory is the idea that the way your partner responds to mundane information, like \u201cI saw a bird today,\u201d gauges the health of your relationship.<\/p>\n<p>A simple test like this doesn\u2019t determine the true nature of your relationship (and, really, you shouldn\u2019t be testing your partner anyway), but the bird theory is a great way to learn about <strong>bids for connection<\/strong> and how you can apply real psychological theory to your relationships.<\/p>\n<p>In this article, we\u2019ll explore the psychological roots of <strong>bird theory and Gottman\u2019s bids for connection<\/strong>, how bird theory relates to your attachment style, and what to do if your partner is ignoring bids for connection.<\/p>\n<h2>What Is the Bird Theory?<\/h2>\n<p>The bird theory goes like this: you tell your partner you saw a bird today, or you say, \u201chey, look at that bird!\u201d and see how they respond. If they ask you about the bird or look for it, this is a positive sign that they\u2019re responding to your bids for connection.<\/p>\n<p>Although it\u2019s become a social media trend &#8211; and it still shouldn\u2019t be taken too seriously &#8211; the <em>bird test does come from a well regarded psychological theory<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"color: #fff!important; background-color: #604c8d!important; border-radius: 10px; text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold; font-size: 20px; display: inline-block; padding: 12px 20px;\" href=\"https:\/\/quiz.attachmentproject.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE<\/a><\/p>\n<h3>Where Did The Bird Test Come From?<\/h3>\n<p>Dr. John Gottman is a highly influential psychologist specializing in relationships and marriage. He\u2019s responsible for the 4 Horsemen theory, which found that 4 relationship behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/love\/stonewalling-relationships-attachment\/\">stonewalling<\/a>) could predict 90% of divorces within just 4 years <a href=\"#ref-1\">[1]<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Gottman also coined the term \u201cbids for connection\u201d, in a 2005 paper with colleague Janice Driver <a href=\"#ref-2\">[2]<\/a>. Bids for connection are small moments in which one partner, directly or indirectly, requests an emotional response from the other.<\/p>\n<h2>Bids for Connection: The Science Behind the Bird Test<\/h2>\n<p>Gottman and Driver observed 50 newlyweds in conflict discussions, hypothesizing that moments of reciprocated self-disclosure would be the most important \u201cunits of intimacy\u201d <a href=\"#ref-2\">[2]<\/a>. However, this wasn\u2019t what they found &#8211; instead, they found that partners made \u201cemotional bids for connection\u201d, and whether their partner responded by turning towards, away from, or against these bids turned out to be a major source of marital conflict.<\/p>\n<p>Turning towards a bid for connection is any positive or engaged response. Turning away is ignoring the bid, and turning against is an actively negative or hostile response.<\/p>\n<p>This means that responses to the bird test fit into one of these 3 categories. Here are a few examples of responses to the bird test:<\/p>\n<table>\n<thead>\n<tr>\n<th>Bid for connection<\/th>\n<th>Turning towards<\/th>\n<th>Turning away<\/th>\n<th>Turning against<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n<\/thead>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td>\u201cI saw a bird today.\u201d<\/td>\n<td>\u201cCool, what kind of bird?\u201d<\/td>\n<td>The bid is ignored.<\/td>\n<td>\u201cSo? Who cares that you saw a bird?\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<h3>Bids for connection examples<\/h3>\n<p>Gottman &amp; Driver organized bids for connection into a hierarchy, ranging from lowest level of demand to highest. People didn\u2019t necessarily make bids for connection in order of the heirarchy, but they suggested that this model reflects increasing emotional responses.<\/p>\n<p>The order of bids for connection and examples they gave in their original paper are:<\/p>\n<table>\n<thead>\n<tr>\n<th>Level of demand<\/th>\n<th>Type of bid for connection<\/th>\n<th>Example<\/th>\n<\/tr>\n<\/thead>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td>Lowest<\/td>\n<td>Bid for attention<\/td>\n<td>\u201cThere\u2019s a pretty boat.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for interest<\/td>\n<td>\u201cDidn\u2019t your dad sail on a boat just like that?\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for enthusiastic engagement<\/td>\n<td>\u201cHey, with a boat like that we could sail around the world.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for extended conversation<\/td>\n<td>\u201cHave you called your brother lately? He seemed real down last time we talked.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for play<\/td>\n<td>Rolling up a newspaper and bopping partner on the head saying, \u201cThere. I\u2019ve been meaning to do that all day.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for humor<\/td>\n<td>\u201cA guy goes into a psychiatrist with a chicken on his head.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for affection<\/td>\n<td>Often nonverbal but could be verbal, as in \u201cI need a hug.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<td>Bid for emotional support<\/td>\n<td>\u201cI still can\u2019t understand why I got fired from that job.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td>Highest<\/td>\n<td>Bid for self-disclosure<\/td>\n<td>\u201cWhat kind of bread did you enjoy eating at home growing up?\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<p>We can see in the table above that the bird test is a bid for attention. If, for example, your partner turned away from your bid and you followed up with \u201cIt was the coolest bird I\u2019ve ever seen!\u201d, you might then be making a <strong>bid for enthusiastic engagement<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<h2>Why Your Response to Small Moments Matters So Much<\/h2>\n<p>The way you respond to your partner\u2019s day to day bids for connection says a lot about your relationship &#8211; but the bird test isn\u2019t necessarily a perfect indicator. Moments of disconnection are normal, and we can\u2019t always respond the way we might want to, maybe because we\u2019re already tired or stressed or focused on something else. It\u2019s the patterns that form over time that count: does your partner usually turn towards your bids, or do they have a habit of ignoring or criticizing them?<\/p>\n<p>In one study, communicating positive personal events was associated with better mood and greater well-being, which increased and came with additional relationship benefits when the partner responded actively and constructively <a href=\"#ref-3\">[3]<\/a>. In other words, paying attention to your partner and responding positively, even when it\u2019s mundane, are good for you and your relationship.<\/p>\n<h2>Bids for Connection and Attachment Styles<\/h2>\n<p>Responding to bids for connection doesn\u2019t just benefit you and your relationship, but your partner too &#8211; a study of 236 couples found that higher perceived partner responsiveness predicted lower attachment anxiety and lower attachment avoidance when it came to their relationship <a href=\"#ref-4\">[4]<\/a>. This effect was particularly noticeable when they had more insecure general <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/four-attachment-styles\/\">attachment styles<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>If you have high <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/avoidant-attachment-style\/\">attachment avoidance<\/a>, you might be more likely to turn away from your partner\u2019s bids for connection, especially if they\u2019re higher on the demand heirarchy &#8211; these demands might feel like too much pressure or expectation, or they might be asking for too much intimacy.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"color: #fff!important; background-color: #604c8d!important; border-radius: 10px; text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold; font-size: 20px; display: inline-block; padding: 12px 20px;\" href=\"https:\/\/quiz.attachmentproject.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE<\/a><\/p>\n<p>On the flip side, if you have high <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/anxious-attachment\/\">attachment anxiety<\/a>, you might find that you make a lot of bids for connection because you crave closeness with your partner. This could be why, when one partner is high in attachment anxiety and the other in attachment avoidance, you can end up in a vicious push\/pull cycle.<\/p>\n<p>Understanding the ways in which you make or respond to bids for connection, and how your attachment style plays into these dynamics, is much more helpful than a pass\/fail test like the bird test.<\/p>\n<h2>What Do I Do If My Partner &#8220;Fails&#8221; the Bird Test?<\/h2>\n<p>With that said, you might be worried if your partner \u201cfails\u201d the bird test. Social media can make it seem like the be-all-end-all, especially when other people are posting their partner\u2019s positive reactions (which, remember, could be staged). If your partner doesn\u2019t turn toward your bid for connection on this occasion, try asking yourself the following questions:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Is there another explanation for why my partner didn\u2019t respond the way I hoped? For example, were they just tired or stressed?<\/li>\n<li>Do my partner\u2019s responses usually make me feel seen, heard, and valued?<\/li>\n<li>When I make bids for connection day to day, do I usually assume my partner will respond positively?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Remember, it\u2019s about the overall pattern, not the one-off bird test &#8211; if you usually feel seen and secure by your partner\u2019s responses, you don\u2019t need to worry. If these questions have highlighted that there might be a problem with bid responses, consider talking to your partner about bids for connection and how you might strengthen them together as a team.<\/p>\n<h2>How to Strengthen Bids for Connection in Your Relationship<\/h2>\n<p>The good news is that turning toward your partner\u2019s bids is a learnable skill <a href=\"#ref-5\">[5]<\/a>. This might start with a conversation about how to recognize each other\u2019s bids for connection &#8211; the way you ask for attention is likely different to your partner, and building an awareness of bids for connection in general can help you to react more consciously in the moment.<\/p>\n<p>Your partner can\u2019t read your mind, so if some of your bids are more indirect, it might help to communicate what you expect to happen. For example, if you try to initiate physical contact by sitting closer to them and they don\u2019t seem to react, it\u2019s okay to tell them \u201cwhen I do this, it\u2019s because I want you to do this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It could also help both of you to work on attachment security, especially if you might be stuck in the anxious-avoidant push-pull dynamic. Building a more <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/secure-attachment\/\">secure attachment style<\/a> could help you to be more responsive to your partner, which increases their attachment security, in turn helping them to be more responsive to you.<\/p>\n<h2>Conclusions<\/h2>\n<p>The bird theory might have become a social media trend, but its roots in Gottman\u2019s work and bids for connection are well established. However, the way your partner responds based on a one-off shouldn\u2019t be taken as final &#8211; consider the whole picture before jumping to conclusions. If your relationship generally feels healthy and you usually feel validated by your partner, then you shouldn\u2019t worry about how they respond to the bird test.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"color: #fff!important; background-color: #604c8d!important; border-radius: 10px; text-decoration: none; font-weight: bold; font-size: 20px; display: inline-block; padding: 12px 20px;\" href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/personal-courses\/dating-toolkit\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">START YOUR HEALTHY DATING JOURNEY<\/a><\/p>\n<p>When you have a secure attachment style, you are likely more responsive to your partner. This, in turn, boosts their attachment security, which can make it easier for them to be more responsive to you. Turning toward bids is a skill that you can learn and improve upon, so don\u2019t be discouraged if you and your partner are having difficulty with bids for connection.<\/p>\n<p>Find out your attachment style and get a personalized report with our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/attachment-style-quiz\/\">free attachment quiz<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>FAQs About the Bird Theory and Bids for Connection<\/h2>\n<h3>What is a bid for connection?<\/h3>\n<p>A bid for connection is a direct or indirect request for an emotional response by one partner to another. These range in intensity, from a bid for attention to a bid for self-disclosure.<\/p>\n<h3>How do you respond to a bid for connection?<\/h3>\n<p>\u201cTurning toward\u201d a bid for connection has the most positive results. This means engaging positively with the bid. If you typically turn away (ignore) or against (respond with hostility) bids for connection, this can be damaging for your relationship.<\/p>\n<h3>What happens when you ignore bids for connection?<\/h3>\n<p>When you turn away from bids for connection, your partner can feel ignored and invalidated. This has a negative impact on your relationship.<\/p>\n<h3>Can the bird test really predict if a relationship will last?<\/h3>\n<p>The bird test is just one moment and shouldn\u2019t be used to assess your relationship &#8211; rather, you can use it as a jumping off point to think about the overall patterns and day to day habits in your relationship.<\/p>\n<h3>How do attachment styles affect bids for connection?<\/h3>\n<p>If you have greater attachment security, your partner is likely to rate you as more responsive. This can, in turn, support them to develop more attachment security. If you\u2019re high in attachment avoidance, you might have a tendency not to turn towards bids for connection. If you\u2019re high in attachment anxiety, you might have a tendency to make too many bids for connection.<\/p>\n<h2>References<\/h2>\n<div id=\"ref-1\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>1. Gottman JM. Predicting the longitudinal course of marriages. Journal of marital and Family Therapy. 1991 Jan 1;17(1):3-7.<\/em><\/div>\n<div id=\"ref-2\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>2. Gottman JM, Driver JL. Dysfunctional marital conflict and everyday marital interaction. Journal of Divorce &amp; Remarriage. 2005 Aug 25;43(3-4):63-77.<\/em><\/div>\n<div id=\"ref-3\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>3. Gable SL, Reis HT, Impett EA, Asher ER. What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. InRelationships, well-being and behaviour 2018 May 15 (pp. 144-182). Routledge.<\/em><\/div>\n<div id=\"ref-4\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>4. Rice TM, Kumashiro M, Arriaga XB. Mind the gap: Perceived partner responsiveness as a bridge between general and partner-specific attachment security. International journal of environmental research and public health. 2020 Oct;17(19):7178.<\/em><\/div>\n<div id=\"ref-5\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>5. Zahl\u2010Olsen R, Thuen F, Bertelsen TB. The effectiveness of the in\u2010person and online Gottman Seven Principles Couple Enhancement Program: A propensity score matching design. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 2024 Oct;50(4):882-98.<\/em><\/div>\n            <\/div>\r\n        <\/div>\r\n            <\/div>\r\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":0,"parent":23224,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"page-v2.php","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-41016","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.1.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The Bird Theory &amp; Bids for Connection: Discover What They Reveal<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is the bird theory? 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