This blog post is a part of our \u201cHeartbroken\u201d series. For more tips, check out our Instagram account<\/a> and Part II of this series \u201cHow to Get Over Your Ex – 7 Tips to Heal Fast After a Breakup<\/a>“.<\/em> <\/h4>\n\n\n\n1. Don\u2019t Beat Yourself up for \u201cNot Taking it Well\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n![\"Heartbroken](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Heartbroken-Image-edited.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nTo begin with, an essential step to healing is accepting where you\u2019re at. If you\u2019re heartbroken and going through a tough breakup, don\u2019t let others tell you – and don\u2019t tell yourself – how you should \u201ctake it.\u201d There might be people around you who don\u2019t understand \u201cwhat the big deal is\u201d. Or maybe it\u2019s you who\u2019s criticizing your own reaction and behavior. Whichever it is, don\u2019t put yourself down for caring, for still loving your ex, for feeling as if someone cut you in half, for being heartbroken, and for grieving<\/a>. Regardless of what others say, what the relationship was, and how long it lasted, there\u2019s no shame in feeling hurt when that relationship ends.<\/p>\n\n\n\nAnd keep in mind that you\u2019re not alone. Tons of people grieve after they get out of a relationship. In fact, the emotional reaction to loss (due to a breakup) could be quite similar to the emotional reaction due to losing someone (due to death) [1]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2. Cultivate Optimism<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nWe know that that\u2019s easier said than done, but regardless of how heartbroken you are feeling right now, you\u2019ve got to do your best to be optimistic. The key superpowers of optimistic people are that they view negative events as specific, temporary, and external<\/strong> [2]<\/a>. But what does that mean, and how can you do that?<\/p>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t generalize<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n![\"Woman](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Optimism-Heartbroken-Blog-Post-1-683x1024.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nYour current breakup doesn\u2019t mean that your relationships never last. It doesn\u2019t mean that you will never find love again. It doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re unlovable or unworthy of being accepted for who you are. Don\u2019t give this specific<\/em><\/strong> event – your current breakup – more meaning than it actually has.<\/p>\n\n\n\nRemember that you won\u2019t be heartbroken forever<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nCan you think of a moment in your life when you lost something (a job, a great opportunity, a partner, etc.) and you couldn\u2019t imagine ever being happy again? You were so sure that nothing or no one can replace what you\u2019ve lost? And then, some time went by and you found happiness, you found something or someone better. And it turned out, your initial loss was, indeed, not the end of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This time, decide to skip the phase of despair. Believe that, just like last time, something better is coming, and you won\u2019t grieve forever. You\u2019re heartbroken now, but that\u2019s <\/em>temporary.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t take it so personally<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nOptimists don\u2019t internalize negative life events. When you\u2019re optimistic, you still acknowledge your responsibility and your role in (in this case) the breakup. But you don\u2019t disregard the external<\/em><\/strong> <\/strong>circumstances, and you don\u2019t take everything so personally. This breakup is not entirely your<\/em> fault and doesn\u2019t make you a bad person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n3. Learn to Be Mindful<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nThese days, mindfulness is a word that comes up more and more and in various contexts. It almost seems like mindfulness is a magical cure for all trouble. Of course, that\u2019s a bit far-fetched. Yet, the ability to be mindful – a.k.a to live in the present moment – has been linked to various aspects of well-being, such as higher life-satisfaction and better physical health as well as less emotional distress and anxiety [3]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBut how and why is mindfulness supposed to help you when you’re heartbroken and coping with breakup?<\/p>\n\n\n
\n![\"Woman](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Mindfulness-Image-Heartbroken-Blog-Post-1024x681.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nMindfulness can make you less reactive<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nWhen you are mindful, you face your emotions and thoughts openly and without judgment. You feel your emotions, however difficult they might be, and you respond to them with acceptance; you don\u2019t act out on them. When you are mindful, you tolerate strong emotions, instead of jumping straight to maladaptive coping behaviors [4]<\/a>, [5]<\/a>, [6]<\/a>, [7]<\/a>, [8]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nMindfulness can be a cure for overthinking<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nIf you\u2019re struggling with intrusive thoughts about your ex-partner or relationship, mindfulness might do wonders for you. Being mindful means observing your thoughts and being flexible when it comes to which thoughts you engage with and which thoughts you let go of [4]<\/a>, [9]<\/a>. Practicing mindfulness will help you actively redirect your attention to other matters, once you catch yourself ruminating over your past relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\nMindfulness can help you break the old habits<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nEver noticed how many of the \u2018bad stuff\u2019 you do come automatically? Habits can be quite frustrating, as you might often feel like you have little control over them. But the thing is, if you\u2019re mindful, you are aware of yourself, your actions, and the consequences of your actions [10]<\/a>. Such awareness can help you disregard potential maladaptive ways of coping and instead, choose to engage in behaviors that are aligned with what you really want and what\u2019s good for you [11]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n4. Work on Raising Your Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n![\"Reminder](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/chela-b-LcS81I9uoJI-unsplash1-1024x690.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nSelf-esteem has been acknowledged as a key factor for psychological well-being: it has been linked to stress-resilience, happiness, personal growth, and others [12],<\/a> [13]<\/a>, [14]<\/a>. On the contrary, low self-esteem is a common predictor of various types of negative affect, such as anxiety and depression [15]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nWe know that breakups can be a big threat to your self-esteem. First, merely the act of rejection can trigger and challenge your self-worth. Second, breakups often go hand-in-hand with situations where you and your partner are yelling and exchanging words that are far from flattering. The worst thing you can do in those moments is to let your self-esteem crash. Instead, you can learn to use it as a shield.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t internalize the criticism<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nResearch suggests that high self-esteem can protect you from the harmful effect of being exposed to harsh, negative information about yourself [16]<\/a>. In other words, being offended and criticized by your ex could damage you more if your self-esteem is low. <\/p>\n\n\n\nOf course, that doesn\u2019t mean that you shouldn\u2019t learn from what your ex is saying. Maybe he\/she is right about a thing or two; and maybe, you can make use of that \u201cfeedback\u201d, in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes in your future relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Take what you can learn from and leave the rest behind. You don\u2019t need to identify with the names your ex calls you or with whatever your ex thinks about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Remind yourself that you are loved and valued<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nHigh self-esteem is also associated with the ability to recall positive information about yourself in situations that threaten your self-image [17],<\/a> [18]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nIn the context of breakups, this means that, if your self-esteem is high, you will be able to counter the criticism directed towards you by, for example, reminding yourself of everyone else who loves you. If you do the math, you\u2019ll see that, even if your ex hates you, there are far more people out there who adore you for who you are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
5. Practice Self-Compassion<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nBeing heartbroken might leave you feeling like your heart is empty. In those moments, it\u2019s especially important to open it again – for yourself. Self-compassion is a key aspect of self-love, and loving yourself is an essential part of healing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s how you can practice self-compassion and why that will help you get back on your feet after a breakup.<\/p>\n\n\n
\n![\"Woman](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/Self-Love-Image-Heartbroken-Blog-Post-1024x683.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nTreat yourself with kindness and understanding<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nJudging and blaming yourself is one of the worst things you can go for after a breakup. Indeed, self-criticism has been found to play a key role in negative emotions and distress after breakups [19]<\/a>, [20]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nSpare yourself the unnecessary suffering. Support yourself, instead of blaming yourself for what you could have done better. Listen to yourself without judgment. Treat yourself like you\u2019d treat your best friend if they were heartbroken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Self-soothe<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nRelationships usually give us a sense of safety and security. Once the relationship ends, that sense of security is disrupted. Your partner was there for you and used to comfort you when you were upset. Now that he or she is not there to help you regulate your emotions, you have to try and learn to do this by yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
People who practice self-compassion engage in self-soothing practices, which have been found to facilitate a sense of stability and safety [21]<\/a>. In other words, through self-compassion, you can restore the sense of safety you might have lost due to the ending of your relationship. Besides, self-soothing will also help you cope with negative emotions when you’re heartbroken.<\/p>\n\n\n\nAccept your emotions with awareness and without judgment<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nThis is a good point to bring up mindfulness once again, self-compassion entails having a mindful approach towards your emotions [22]<\/a>. This means that people who practice self-compassion are able to acknowledge and respect their feelings, without letting those feelings take control over them. When you are self-compassionate, you don\u2019t ignore or identify too much with your emotions: you let them be, but you don\u2019t let them define you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n6. Never Lose Hope<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nHope is a powerful factor that is known to get people through times of adversity. Having hope means believing that you will find a way to solve a problem, and believing that you\u2019ve got what it takes to actually solve the problem and reach your goal [23]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nWhen you’re heartbroken, hope can be an essential asset. But why is it so necessary for the process of healing?<\/p>\n\n\n
\n![\"Street](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/jon-tyson-XmMsdtiGSfo-unsplash1-737x1024.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nHope gets you to focus on the present and the future<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nYou\u2019re familiar with the term \u201cmoving on\u201d. Eventually, you will have to move on from the past relationship. And this means that you have to move forward, not stay in the past. Hope can help you stay away from ruminating over the past, re-orient towards the present, and look forward to the future [24]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nHope facilitates positive self-talk<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\nPeople who have high hope have been found to engage in positive self-talk: they encourage themselves, instead of beating themselves up [25]<\/a>. This attitude can be extremely helpful when you\u2019re heartbroken, because you need all the strength and encouragement you can get, in order to get back on your feet. Additionally, you might need to adjust to new circumstances and even redefine yourself – who you are outside of that past relationship. Staying hopeful will help you with all of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSo even if you feel like giving into despair, don\u2019t lose your hope. You need it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Take-Home Message and Self-Help Recommendations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nWhen you are heartbroken and figuring out how to cope with your breakup, you\u2019ve got to make use of all possible resources you can draw strength from. You might try various tips on how to create positive emotions – like investing in some self-care time, making your home cozy, and moving your body – and there\u2019s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But don\u2019t forget that developing the right mindset will not only give you a temporary relief from the heartache: it could also make you mentally stronger and more resilient in future stressful situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why did we choose to discuss factors like optimism, mindfulness, self-esteem, self-compassion, and hope?<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\nIn her outstanding research, A. Franklin [26]<\/a> investigates the role of those five psychological factors on post-breakup adjustment. In line with the arguments we\u2019ve synthesized above, the author hypothesizes (and later on, proves in her results) that optimism, mindfulness, self-esteem, self-compassion, and hope have a positive impact on people\u2019s well-being and adjustment after breakups. Franklin [26]<\/a> also pinpoints that each of those factors has been proven (through various interventions described in the author\u2019s research) to be trainable. This means that regardless of how optimistic, hopeful, self-confident you feel right now, you can<\/em> cultivate each of these aspects of the heartbreak-healing-mindset. <\/p>\n\n\n\nIf you’re heartbroken and struggling with a tough breakup, we strongly encourage you to try and cultivate each of them. If you\u2019re not quite sure where to start, you can try the self-help sources we recommend below. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Discover more tips on coping with breakup with part II of our \u201cHeartbroken\u201d series – \u201cHow to Get Over Your Ex – Top 7 Tips for Personal Growth After a Breakup<\/a>.\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n![\"Table](\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/payton-tuttle-3rw0jjpyack-unsplash1-1024x576.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n15 Self-Help Resources for Getting Over a Breakup:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nOptimism:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n- \u201cLearned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life\u201d<\/a> – by Martin Seligman (2006) (book)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cPositive AFFIRMATIONS to CLEAR NEGATIVITY and Raise your Vibration\u201d<\/a> with Lina Grace (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cHope & Positivity: A Guided Meditation for New Beginnings\u201d<\/a> with The Honest Guys (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cInner Smile Meditation\u201d<\/a> with Lydia Richards (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cMAGNETIZE MIRACLES INSTANTLY | Gratitude Meditation To Shift Your Reality\u201d<\/a> with Mary Kate (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Mindfulness:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n- “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times<\/a>\u201d by Pema Chodron<\/a> (book)<\/strong><\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cIt\u2019s Time to Get Over Your Ex\u201d<\/a> a guided visualization with Paula Sacks (audio)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- “Mindfulness – How To Actually Practice Mindfulness & Conquer Your Emotions”<\/a> by Actualized.com (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cGuided Breathing Meditation\u201d<\/a> with Kim Eng (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cOne-Sided Love Relationship\u201d<\/a> with Eckhart Tolle (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- “How to Avoid Getting Lost in Suffering\u201d<\/a> with Eckhart Tolle (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Self-compassion:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n- \u201cYou Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life\u201d<\/a> by Jen Sincero (book)<\/strong><\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201dSelf Love in About 5 Minutes\u201d<\/a> with Brad Yates (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cHow To IMPROVE Self-Esteem By DOING THIS\u201d<\/a> with Marisa Peer (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cTherapist Reveals How to Stop Telling Yourself Negative Thoughts\u201d<\/a> with Marisa Peer (video)<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sources:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nGrief<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[1] Robak, R. W., & Weitzman, S. P. (1998). The nature of grief: Loss of love relationships in young adulthood. Journal of Personal & Interpersonal Loss, 3<\/em>(2), 205-216.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[2] Seligman, M. E. P. (1998). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. <\/em>NY: Pocket Books.<\/p>\n\n\n\nMindfulness & Meditation<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[3] Brown, K. W., & Ryan, R. M. (2003). The benefits of being present: mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84<\/em>(4), 822- 848.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[4] Baer, R. A. (2009). Self-focused attention and mechanisms of change in mindfulness-based treatment. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 38 <\/em>(S1), 15-20.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[5] Cahn, B. R., & Polich, J. (2006). Meditation states and traits: Eeg, erp, and neuroimaging studies. Psychological Bulletin, 132,<\/em> 180 \u2013211. <\/p>\n\n\n\n[6] Cahn, B. R., & Polich, J. (2009). Meditation (Vipassana) and the P3a event-related brain potential. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 72, <\/em>51\u2013 60. <\/p>\n\n\n\n[7] Coffey, K. A., & Hartman, M. (2008). Mechanisms of action in the inverse relationship between mindfulness and psychological distress. Complementary Health Practice Review, 13<\/em>(2), 79-91.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[8] Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2011). What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48<\/em>(2), 198-208.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[9] Heeren, A., & Philippot, P. (2011). Changes in ruminative thinking mediate the clinical benefits of mindfulness: Preliminary findings. Mindfulness, 2<\/em>(1), 8-13. <\/p>\n\n\n\nBorderline Personality Disorder<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[10] Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. <\/em>New York: Guilford Press.<\/p>\n\n\n\nAcceptance<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[11] Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44<\/em>(1), 1-25.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSelf-esteem & Happiness<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[12] Furnham, A., & Cheng, H. (2000). Lay theories of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 1,<\/em> 227\u2013246.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[13] Paradise, A. W., & Kernis, M. H. (2002). Self-esteem and psychological well-being: Implications of fragile self-esteem. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21<\/em>(4), 345-361.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[14] Zimmerman, M. A., Copeland, L. A., Shope, J. T., & Dielman, T. E. (1997). A longitudinal study of self-esteem: Implications for adolescent development. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 26<\/em>(2), 117-141.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[15] Beck, A.T., Brown, G.K., Steer, R.A., Kuyken, W. and Grisham, J. (2001) Psychometric properties of the Beck Self-Esteem Scales. Behavior Research and Therapy, 39, <\/em>115- 124.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[16] Blaine, B., & Crocker, J. (1993). Self-esteem and self-serving biases in reactions to positive and negative events: An integrative review. In Self-esteem, 55-85. <\/em>US: Springer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n[17] Dodgson, P. G., & Wood, J. V. (1998). Self-esteem and the cognitive accessibility of strengths and weaknesses after failure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75<\/em>(1), 178-197.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[18] Nail, P. R., Misak, J. E., & Davis, R. M. (2004). Self-affirmation versus self-consistency: A comparison of two competing self-theories of dissonance phenomena. Personality and Individual Differences, 36<\/em>(8), 1893-1905.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBreak-ups<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[19] Boelen, P. A., & Reijntjes, A. (2009). Negative cognitions in emotional problems following romantic relationship break-ups. Stress and Health, 25<\/em>(1), 11-19.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[20] Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12<\/em>(2), 213-232.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSelf-Compassion<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[21] Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion and cruelty: A biopsychosocial approach. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy<\/em>, 9\u201374. London: Routledge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[22] Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity<\/em>, 2<\/em>(3), 223-250.<\/p>\n\n\n\nHope & Positive Psychology<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[23] Snyder, C. R., Irving, L. M., & Anderson, J. R. (1991). Hope and health. Handbook of social and clinical psychology: The health perspective<\/em>, 162<\/em>, 285-305.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[24] Michael, S. T., & Snyder, C. R. (2005). Getting unstuck: The roles of hope, finding meaning, and rumination in the adjustment to bereavement among college students. Death Studies, 29<\/em>(5), 435-458.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[25] Snyder, C. R., LaPointe, A. B., Jeffrey Crowson, J., & Early, S. (1998). Preferences of high and low-hope people for self-referential input. Cognition & Emotion, 12<\/em>(6), 807-823. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
[26] Franklin, A. E. (2015). The role of positive psychological factors and coping strategies following a non-marital relationship breakup.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
We offer 6 ways to change your mindset to get over your heartbreak once and for all. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":8156,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,14],"tags":[104,21],"class_list":["post-8151","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationship-advice","tag-breakups","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
6 Tips to Cope with a Breakup | Attachment Project<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We've all been heartbroken at some point. In this article, we\u2019ll share how to change your mindset to get over your breakup once and for all.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/heartbroken-6-tips-to-cope-with-a-breakup\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"6 Tips to Cope with a Breakup | Attachment Project\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We've all been heartbroken at some point. 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<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nTo begin with, an essential step to healing is accepting where you\u2019re at. If you\u2019re heartbroken and going through a tough breakup, don\u2019t let others tell you – and don\u2019t tell yourself – how you should \u201ctake it.\u201d There might be people around you who don\u2019t understand \u201cwhat the big deal is\u201d. Or maybe it\u2019s you who\u2019s criticizing your own reaction and behavior. Whichever it is, don\u2019t put yourself down for caring, for still loving your ex, for feeling as if someone cut you in half, for being heartbroken, and for grieving<\/a>. Regardless of what others say, what the relationship was, and how long it lasted, there\u2019s no shame in feeling hurt when that relationship ends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And keep in mind that you\u2019re not alone. Tons of people grieve after they get out of a relationship. In fact, the emotional reaction to loss (due to a breakup) could be quite similar to the emotional reaction due to losing someone (due to death) [1]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n We know that that\u2019s easier said than done, but regardless of how heartbroken you are feeling right now, you\u2019ve got to do your best to be optimistic. The key superpowers of optimistic people are that they view negative events as specific, temporary, and external<\/strong> [2]<\/a>. But what does that mean, and how can you do that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your current breakup doesn\u2019t mean that your relationships never last. It doesn\u2019t mean that you will never find love again. It doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re unlovable or unworthy of being accepted for who you are. Don\u2019t give this specific<\/em><\/strong> event – your current breakup – more meaning than it actually has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Can you think of a moment in your life when you lost something (a job, a great opportunity, a partner, etc.) and you couldn\u2019t imagine ever being happy again? You were so sure that nothing or no one can replace what you\u2019ve lost? And then, some time went by and you found happiness, you found something or someone better. And it turned out, your initial loss was, indeed, not the end of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This time, decide to skip the phase of despair. Believe that, just like last time, something better is coming, and you won\u2019t grieve forever. You\u2019re heartbroken now, but that\u2019s <\/em>temporary.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Optimists don\u2019t internalize negative life events. When you\u2019re optimistic, you still acknowledge your responsibility and your role in (in this case) the breakup. But you don\u2019t disregard the external<\/em><\/strong> <\/strong>circumstances, and you don\u2019t take everything so personally. This breakup is not entirely your<\/em> fault and doesn\u2019t make you a bad person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These days, mindfulness is a word that comes up more and more and in various contexts. It almost seems like mindfulness is a magical cure for all trouble. Of course, that\u2019s a bit far-fetched. Yet, the ability to be mindful – a.k.a to live in the present moment – has been linked to various aspects of well-being, such as higher life-satisfaction and better physical health as well as less emotional distress and anxiety [3]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But how and why is mindfulness supposed to help you when you’re heartbroken and coping with breakup?<\/p>\n\n\n When you are mindful, you face your emotions and thoughts openly and without judgment. You feel your emotions, however difficult they might be, and you respond to them with acceptance; you don\u2019t act out on them. When you are mindful, you tolerate strong emotions, instead of jumping straight to maladaptive coping behaviors [4]<\/a>, [5]<\/a>, [6]<\/a>, [7]<\/a>, [8]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re struggling with intrusive thoughts about your ex-partner or relationship, mindfulness might do wonders for you. Being mindful means observing your thoughts and being flexible when it comes to which thoughts you engage with and which thoughts you let go of [4]<\/a>, [9]<\/a>. Practicing mindfulness will help you actively redirect your attention to other matters, once you catch yourself ruminating over your past relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ever noticed how many of the \u2018bad stuff\u2019 you do come automatically? Habits can be quite frustrating, as you might often feel like you have little control over them. But the thing is, if you\u2019re mindful, you are aware of yourself, your actions, and the consequences of your actions [10]<\/a>. Such awareness can help you disregard potential maladaptive ways of coping and instead, choose to engage in behaviors that are aligned with what you really want and what\u2019s good for you [11]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-esteem has been acknowledged as a key factor for psychological well-being: it has been linked to stress-resilience, happiness, personal growth, and others [12],<\/a> [13]<\/a>, [14]<\/a>. On the contrary, low self-esteem is a common predictor of various types of negative affect, such as anxiety and depression [15]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We know that breakups can be a big threat to your self-esteem. First, merely the act of rejection can trigger and challenge your self-worth. Second, breakups often go hand-in-hand with situations where you and your partner are yelling and exchanging words that are far from flattering. The worst thing you can do in those moments is to let your self-esteem crash. Instead, you can learn to use it as a shield.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Research suggests that high self-esteem can protect you from the harmful effect of being exposed to harsh, negative information about yourself [16]<\/a>. In other words, being offended and criticized by your ex could damage you more if your self-esteem is low. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Of course, that doesn\u2019t mean that you shouldn\u2019t learn from what your ex is saying. Maybe he\/she is right about a thing or two; and maybe, you can make use of that \u201cfeedback\u201d, in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes in your future relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Take what you can learn from and leave the rest behind. You don\u2019t need to identify with the names your ex calls you or with whatever your ex thinks about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n High self-esteem is also associated with the ability to recall positive information about yourself in situations that threaten your self-image [17],<\/a> [18]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In the context of breakups, this means that, if your self-esteem is high, you will be able to counter the criticism directed towards you by, for example, reminding yourself of everyone else who loves you. If you do the math, you\u2019ll see that, even if your ex hates you, there are far more people out there who adore you for who you are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Being heartbroken might leave you feeling like your heart is empty. In those moments, it\u2019s especially important to open it again – for yourself. Self-compassion is a key aspect of self-love, and loving yourself is an essential part of healing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how you can practice self-compassion and why that will help you get back on your feet after a breakup.<\/p>\n\n\n Judging and blaming yourself is one of the worst things you can go for after a breakup. Indeed, self-criticism has been found to play a key role in negative emotions and distress after breakups [19]<\/a>, [20]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Spare yourself the unnecessary suffering. Support yourself, instead of blaming yourself for what you could have done better. Listen to yourself without judgment. Treat yourself like you\u2019d treat your best friend if they were heartbroken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Relationships usually give us a sense of safety and security. Once the relationship ends, that sense of security is disrupted. Your partner was there for you and used to comfort you when you were upset. Now that he or she is not there to help you regulate your emotions, you have to try and learn to do this by yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n People who practice self-compassion engage in self-soothing practices, which have been found to facilitate a sense of stability and safety [21]<\/a>. In other words, through self-compassion, you can restore the sense of safety you might have lost due to the ending of your relationship. Besides, self-soothing will also help you cope with negative emotions when you’re heartbroken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a good point to bring up mindfulness once again, self-compassion entails having a mindful approach towards your emotions [22]<\/a>. This means that people who practice self-compassion are able to acknowledge and respect their feelings, without letting those feelings take control over them. When you are self-compassionate, you don\u2019t ignore or identify too much with your emotions: you let them be, but you don\u2019t let them define you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hope is a powerful factor that is known to get people through times of adversity. Having hope means believing that you will find a way to solve a problem, and believing that you\u2019ve got what it takes to actually solve the problem and reach your goal [23]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When you’re heartbroken, hope can be an essential asset. But why is it so necessary for the process of healing?<\/p>\n\n\n You\u2019re familiar with the term \u201cmoving on\u201d. Eventually, you will have to move on from the past relationship. And this means that you have to move forward, not stay in the past. Hope can help you stay away from ruminating over the past, re-orient towards the present, and look forward to the future [24]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n People who have high hope have been found to engage in positive self-talk: they encourage themselves, instead of beating themselves up [25]<\/a>. This attitude can be extremely helpful when you\u2019re heartbroken, because you need all the strength and encouragement you can get, in order to get back on your feet. Additionally, you might need to adjust to new circumstances and even redefine yourself – who you are outside of that past relationship. Staying hopeful will help you with all of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So even if you feel like giving into despair, don\u2019t lose your hope. You need it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When you are heartbroken and figuring out how to cope with your breakup, you\u2019ve got to make use of all possible resources you can draw strength from. You might try various tips on how to create positive emotions – like investing in some self-care time, making your home cozy, and moving your body – and there\u2019s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But don\u2019t forget that developing the right mindset will not only give you a temporary relief from the heartache: it could also make you mentally stronger and more resilient in future stressful situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In her outstanding research, A. Franklin [26]<\/a> investigates the role of those five psychological factors on post-breakup adjustment. In line with the arguments we\u2019ve synthesized above, the author hypothesizes (and later on, proves in her results) that optimism, mindfulness, self-esteem, self-compassion, and hope have a positive impact on people\u2019s well-being and adjustment after breakups. Franklin [26]<\/a> also pinpoints that each of those factors has been proven (through various interventions described in the author\u2019s research) to be trainable. This means that regardless of how optimistic, hopeful, self-confident you feel right now, you can<\/em> cultivate each of these aspects of the heartbreak-healing-mindset. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you’re heartbroken and struggling with a tough breakup, we strongly encourage you to try and cultivate each of them. If you\u2019re not quite sure where to start, you can try the self-help sources we recommend below. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Optimism:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Mindfulness:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-compassion:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n [1] Robak, R. W., & Weitzman, S. P. (1998). The nature of grief: Loss of love relationships in young adulthood. Journal of Personal & Interpersonal Loss, 3<\/em>(2), 205-216.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [2] Seligman, M. E. P. (1998). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. <\/em>NY: Pocket Books.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [3] Brown, K. W., & Ryan, R. M. (2003). The benefits of being present: mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84<\/em>(4), 822- 848.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [4] Baer, R. A. (2009). Self-focused attention and mechanisms of change in mindfulness-based treatment. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 38 <\/em>(S1), 15-20.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [5] Cahn, B. R., & Polich, J. (2006). Meditation states and traits: Eeg, erp, and neuroimaging studies. Psychological Bulletin, 132,<\/em> 180 \u2013211. <\/p>\n\n\n\n [6] Cahn, B. R., & Polich, J. (2009). Meditation (Vipassana) and the P3a event-related brain potential. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 72, <\/em>51\u2013 60. <\/p>\n\n\n\n [7] Coffey, K. A., & Hartman, M. (2008). Mechanisms of action in the inverse relationship between mindfulness and psychological distress. Complementary Health Practice Review, 13<\/em>(2), 79-91.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [8] Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2011). What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48<\/em>(2), 198-208.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [9] Heeren, A., & Philippot, P. (2011). Changes in ruminative thinking mediate the clinical benefits of mindfulness: Preliminary findings. Mindfulness, 2<\/em>(1), 8-13. <\/p>\n\n\n\n [10] Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. <\/em>New York: Guilford Press.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [11] Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44<\/em>(1), 1-25.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [12] Furnham, A., & Cheng, H. (2000). Lay theories of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 1,<\/em> 227\u2013246.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [13] Paradise, A. W., & Kernis, M. H. (2002). Self-esteem and psychological well-being: Implications of fragile self-esteem. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21<\/em>(4), 345-361.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [14] Zimmerman, M. A., Copeland, L. A., Shope, J. T., & Dielman, T. E. (1997). A longitudinal study of self-esteem: Implications for adolescent development. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 26<\/em>(2), 117-141.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [15] Beck, A.T., Brown, G.K., Steer, R.A., Kuyken, W. and Grisham, J. (2001) Psychometric properties of the Beck Self-Esteem Scales. Behavior Research and Therapy, 39, <\/em>115- 124.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [16] Blaine, B., & Crocker, J. (1993). Self-esteem and self-serving biases in reactions to positive and negative events: An integrative review. In Self-esteem, 55-85. <\/em>US: Springer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n [17] Dodgson, P. G., & Wood, J. V. (1998). Self-esteem and the cognitive accessibility of strengths and weaknesses after failure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75<\/em>(1), 178-197.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [18] Nail, P. R., Misak, J. E., & Davis, R. M. (2004). Self-affirmation versus self-consistency: A comparison of two competing self-theories of dissonance phenomena. Personality and Individual Differences, 36<\/em>(8), 1893-1905.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [19] Boelen, P. A., & Reijntjes, A. (2009). Negative cognitions in emotional problems following romantic relationship break-ups. Stress and Health, 25<\/em>(1), 11-19.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [20] Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12<\/em>(2), 213-232.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [21] Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion and cruelty: A biopsychosocial approach. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy<\/em>, 9\u201374. London: Routledge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [22] Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity<\/em>, 2<\/em>(3), 223-250.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [23] Snyder, C. R., Irving, L. M., & Anderson, J. R. (1991). Hope and health. Handbook of social and clinical psychology: The health perspective<\/em>, 162<\/em>, 285-305.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [24] Michael, S. T., & Snyder, C. R. (2005). Getting unstuck: The roles of hope, finding meaning, and rumination in the adjustment to bereavement among college students. Death Studies, 29<\/em>(5), 435-458.<\/p>\n\n\n\n [25] Snyder, C. R., LaPointe, A. B., Jeffrey Crowson, J., & Early, S. (1998). Preferences of high and low-hope people for self-referential input. Cognition & Emotion, 12<\/em>(6), 807-823. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We offer 6 ways to change your mindset to get over your heartbreak once and for all. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":8156,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,14],"tags":[104,21],"class_list":["post-8151","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationship-advice","tag-breakups","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n2. Cultivate Optimism<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t generalize<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nRemember that you won\u2019t be heartbroken forever<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t take it so personally<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
3. Learn to Be Mindful<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nMindfulness can make you less reactive<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Mindfulness can be a cure for overthinking<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Mindfulness can help you break the old habits<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
4. Work on Raising Your Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nDon\u2019t internalize the criticism<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Remind yourself that you are loved and valued<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
5. Practice Self-Compassion<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nTreat yourself with kindness and understanding<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Self-soothe<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Accept your emotions with awareness and without judgment<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
6. Never Lose Hope<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nHope gets you to focus on the present and the future<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Hope facilitates positive self-talk<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Take-Home Message and Self-Help Recommendations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Why did we choose to discuss factors like optimism, mindfulness, self-esteem, self-compassion, and hope?<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Discover more tips on coping with breakup with part II of our \u201cHeartbroken\u201d series – \u201cHow to Get Over Your Ex – Top 7 Tips for Personal Growth After a Breakup<\/a>.\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n15 Self-Help Resources for Getting Over a Breakup:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
\n
Sources:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Grief<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Mindfulness & Meditation<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Borderline Personality Disorder<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Acceptance<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Self-esteem & Happiness<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Break-ups<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Self-Compassion<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Hope & Positive Psychology<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
[26] Franklin, A. E. (2015). The role of positive psychological factors and coping strategies following a non-marital relationship breakup.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"