{"id":8169,"date":"2021-02-16T17:21:41","date_gmt":"2021-02-16T15:21:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/?p=8169"},"modified":"2024-01-02T20:10:52","modified_gmt":"2024-01-02T18:10:52","slug":"how-to-get-over-your-ex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/how-to-get-over-your-ex\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Get Over Your Ex: 7 Tips for Personal Growth After a Breakup"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Breakups<\/a> are not an easy or pleasant part of our journeys, that\u2019s for sure. And yet, it\u2019s exactly those tough moments in our lives that help us grow and learn. Even if it doesn\u2019t seem like it now, getting over your ex can<\/em> make you stronger, and it can<\/em> help you grow. Multiple studies have investigated factors that lead to personal growth after stressful and traumatic experiences, including breakups. This article synthesizes key findings in order to share with you the 7 best strategies you can utilize to transform your breakup – from a negative or traumatic experience to a positive personal growth journey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This blog post is a part of our \u201cHeartbroken\u201d series. For more tips, recommendations, and self-help resources for getting over your ex, check out our previous post \u201cHeartbroken? 6 Tips to Cope With Breakup [Plus links to 15 mostly free self-help resources]<\/a>.\u201d<\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n
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\"How<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

1. Seek the Right Type of Support <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Social support is a key ingredient in almost every healing recipe. Yet, studies support the idea that not all types of support are equally effective when it comes to getting over your ex [1]<\/a>, [2]<\/a>. For instance, while emotional support<\/em><\/strong> has been linked to personal growth after breakups, that is not the case for instrumental support<\/em><\/strong> [2].<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The key take-away here is that you definitely should<\/em> reach out to the people you love, especially when you need to talk it out, have a laugh, or even hear your best friend\u2019s encouraging pep talk about how awesome you are. Nevertheless, try to avoid seeking and depending on instrumental support – having others take care of you or do things instead of you. If you\u2019re upset or depressed, and you feel like staying in bed all day, it might be convenient to ask others to come over, do your grocery shopping for you, help you around the house, assist you with your work, etc. Even if your friends and family are totally up for it, keep in mind that this type of support is unlikely to facilitate personal growth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Go For Acceptance, But Avoid Slipping Into Helplessness <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
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\"Scrabble<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

In order to move on from a negative or traumatic experience, you need to let it go. You need to give up your desire to regain control and acknowledge the situation for what it is: you\u2019re neither denying, nor fighting your current experience. Studies have pointed out, however, that not all types of acceptance are equally helpful when it comes to overcoming negative, unchangeable life events [3]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Active acceptance<\/em><\/strong> involves approaching the situation calmly and confidently, moving beyond the negative experience, and focusing on the goals and positive aspects of your life. Resigning acceptance<\/em><\/strong>, on the other hand, is similar to the concept of helplessness<\/em>: it is associated with becoming passive, hopeless, and negative about the future – somewhat, like giving up [3]<\/a>. Unlike resigning acceptance, active acceptance is believed to be an adaptive way of coping that is associated with personal growth as well as with better mental health and behavior control [3]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try to move towards acceptance, and be careful not to let acceptance turn into hopelessness, pessimism, and surrender. <\/p>\n\n\n

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\"How<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

3. Reconnect With Your True Self<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve been in a relationship for a longer period, it\u2019s normal that you identify with the person you were in that relationship. And after a breakup, you might feel lost about who you actually are – outside of your past relationship. That\u2019s when it\u2019s time for you to find your way back to yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take some time to reflect on parts of your true self that you neglected while you were with your ex. Maybe you didn\u2019t have enough time for your hobbies? Or perhaps you spent less time with your family and friends? Maybe your confidence was not at its highest, because it was dependent on your partner\u2019s opinions and reactions?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Studies have demonstrated that self-rediscovery<\/em><\/strong> is a key factor for personal growth after breakups [2]<\/a>, [4]<\/a>. Try to think of the breakup as a chance for you to reconnect with yourself. Go back to the things that you wanted but weren\u2019t able to do (for one reason or another) when you were with your ex. Rediscovering yourself will not only help you get over your ex; it will also help grow and develop. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Change Your Perspective – Positive Reframing <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
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\"See<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Oftentimes, we can\u2019t choose what happens to us. But we can<\/em> choose how we look at it. Though that seems difficult to do, changing your perspective can do wonders when it comes to getting over your ex. Remember that you are in charge of how you interpret each and every situation. Once again, YOU are in charge. You can decide to dwell on all the negative aspects of your breakup, or you can decide to focus on the positive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re not saying that you should lie to yourself and deny that you miss your ex or that you feel hurt. Yet, we strongly encourage you to look for the positive aspects of your breakup. If you do this long enough, you\u2019ll find that there is<\/em> a silver lining. Once you do, hold on to that and don\u2019t let go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This strategy is called positive reframing<\/em><\/strong> (or positive reinterpretation<\/em><\/strong>), and it has been linked to well-being, positive emotions, and personal growth after stressful or negative life events, including breakups [1]<\/a>, [2]<\/a>, [5]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Add Positive Experiences and Emotions <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
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\"Two<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

One of the main ideas of Positive Psychology<\/em> is that <\/em><\/strong>the absence of a negative does not equal a positive [6]<\/a>. In other words, being happy does not equal not being depressed. Just like flourishing is not the same as simply not experiencing negative emotions. This might seem obvious, but it\u2019s essential when you\u2019re trying to get over your ex. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dealing with the negative emotions is definitely an important step to healing. Yet, getting rid of the sadness and anger doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that you\u2019ll become happy and flourishing. The solution is to work not only on coping with the negative emotions, but also on creating positive emotions. You can start with something small, like reconnecting with an old friend, having a nice conversation, or doing something nice for yourself. Over time, work your way to creating as many positive experiences as you can. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Several studies have pointed out the importance of positive emotions and experiences in times of stress and adversity. Positive life events are believed to have the potential to buffer the harmful effects of negative life events on well-being [7]<\/a>, [8]<\/a>. Furthermore, positive experiences have been linked to personal growth following stressful life events [1]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Let it All Out \u2026 In Your Journal <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
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\"How<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

While you\u2019re working on getting over your ex, there might be times when you\u2019ll sense a wave of emotions rising. And you might be tempted to let it all out – to burst in tears or to pour out all the anger and rage you\u2019ve been holding inside. We\u2019re all human, we all do that sometimes; and that\u2019s okay. Keep in mind, though, that venting your emotions might not get you far on your personal growth journey [2]<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Studies have explored different means of emotional expression in times of stress and adversity. While venting<\/em><\/strong> is associated with more negative emotions and distress following a breakup [2]<\/a> or divorce<\/a> [9]<\/a>, expressing emotions in the form of writing has various positive effects on psychical and mental well-being [10]<\/a>. The positive impact of expressive writing<\/em><\/strong> is believed to be especially strong for people who struggle with invasive thoughts about their past relationship [10]<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re struggling with intrusive thoughts about your ex or your past relationship, consider giving expressive writing a go. Don\u2019t get discouraged here, if you\u2019ve never journaled before. Feel free to write down whatever you feel like writing – it could be literally anything. If you feel like it, write your ex a letter (which you don\u2019t need to send or show anyone), write a song or a poem, or simply describe your (emotional) experience. It doesn\u2019t really matter what you write, as long as you feel better afterwards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. Stay Away From Your Ex on Social Media<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n
\n
\"Man<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

A study by Tara Marshall<\/a> [11] explored the relationship between Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners and personal growth following the breakup. The results support the idea that checking on your ex through social media websites and Apps is a bad idea when it comes to your personal growth after a breakup. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, you might be tempted to \u2018take a quick look\u2019 at your ex\u2019s photos, relationship status, new friends\/followers, likes, comments, and so on. Yet, if you\u2019re determined to get over your ex, the best thing you can do is simply stay away <\/em>from all of that. It might be tough in the beginning, but you will get used to it. After all, are your ex\u2019s new posts and photos more important than your mental health and your personal growth?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take-Home Message<\/strong> for How to Get Over Your Ex<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Breakups can be tough, but they can also be an opportunity for you to move forward in your personal growth journey. If you\u2019re struggling to get over your ex, give these strategies a try. Soon, you might find that you\u2019re not only over your breakup, but you\u2019re also better aligned with your true self. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t need to implement each of these tips right away. If you need to, take it one step at a time: choose one strategy you are willing to start with today<\/em>, and then move on to the rest of the tips. It\u2019s your journey, so it\u2019s up to you how you\u2019ll make use of the research and advice we share here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you liked this blog post, make sure you check out our Instagram account<\/a> and Part I of this series about overcoming heartbreak by changing your mindset<\/a>. There, we\u2019ve included 15 self-help resources<\/a> (such as books and meditations) for getting over heartbreak.  <\/h3>\n\n\n
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\"Man<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sources: <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

[1] Park, C. L., Cohen, L. H., & Murch, R. L. (1996). Assessment and prediction of stress\u2010related growth. Journal of personality, 64<\/em>(1), 71-105.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[2] Lewandowski Jr, G. W., & Bizzoco, N. M. (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 2<\/em>(1), 40-54.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[3] Nakamura, Y. M., & Orth, U. (2005). Acceptance as a coping reaction: Adaptive or not?. Swiss Journal of Psychology\/Schweizerische Zeitschrift f\u00fcr Psychologie\/Revue Suisse de Psychologie, 64<\/em>(4), 281.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[4] Tashiro, T. Y., & Frazier, P. (2003). \u201cI\u2019ll never be in a relationship like that again\u201d: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10<\/em>(1), 113-128.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[5] Schaefer, J., & Moos, R. (1992). Life crises and personal growth<\/em>. In B. Carpenter (Ed.), Personal coping: Theory, research, and application<\/em> (pp. 149\u2013170). Westport, CT: Praeger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[6] Seligman, M. E., & Pawelski, J. O. (2003). Positive psychology: FAQS. Psychological Inquiry<\/em>, 159-163.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[7] Shahar, G., & Priel, B. (2002). Positive life events and adolescent emotional distress: In search of protective-interactive processes. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21<\/em>(6), 645-668.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[8] Cohen, L. H., McGowan, J., Fooskas, S., & Rose, S. (1984). Positive life events and social support and the relationship between life stress and psychological disorder. American Journal of Community Psychology, 12<\/em>(5), 567-587.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[9] Berman, W. H., & Turk, D. C. (1981). Adaptation to divorce: Problems and coping strategies. Journal of Marriage and the Family,<\/em> 179-189.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[10] Lepore, S. J., & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: Effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology and Health, 17<\/em>(5), 547-560.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[11] Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with post breakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, behavior, and social networking, 15<\/em>(10), 521-526.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Breakups are not an easy or pleasant part of our journeys. 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