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- What\u2019s an attachment bond?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- What are the two types of attachment bonds?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- How do attachment bonds form? <\/li>\n\n\n\n
- What exactly is an attachment figure?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Who can be an attachment figure?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- What\u2019s the difference between attachment interactions and affiliation interactions?<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Can affiliation interactions happen in an attachment relationship?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
What\u2019s an Attachment Bond?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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“When an attachment bond is broken, we feel intense distress that\u2019s way stronger than what we would feel when separated from someone we don\u2019t have an attachment bond to.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n
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<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nThe attachment bond is the foundation of attachment relationships. Even though this bond might not always be evident, it can usually be noticed when one of the partners is distressed or feels threatened. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There can be all kinds of bonds we have with other people. Still, attachment bonds are unique in their nature. When an attachment bond is broken, (we lose or are, for some reason, separated from our attachment figures) we feel intense distress that\u2019s way stronger than what we would feel when separated from someone we don\u2019t have an attachment bond to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What are the two types of attachment bonds?<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Attachment bonds can form between infants and their caregivers, as well as between intimate partners. In fact, the two types of attachment bonds have been found to be quite similar. Shaver and his colleagues (1988) conceptualized a parallel between the two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, both types of attachment bonds include display of love and affection, such as touching, kissing, caressing, smiling, etc. In both relationships, there\u2019s desire to be close to the attachment figure in times of need; there\u2019s anxiety and sadness when one is separated from the attachment figure; and there\u2019s happiness and a sense of relief when the attachment figure returns or is available again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another essential resemblance between the two types of attachment bonds is that both are based on the attunement and responsiveness of the partner. If our attachment figures are sensitive to our needs, pay attention to us when we need them to, and respond to our bids for closeness, we feel secure in the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How does an attachment bond form?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
When attachment figures are inconsistent or unreliable in providing support, attention, and love, we feel distressed. The more our attachment figures ignore our bids for proximity, the more we\u2019re likely to seek closeness and cling to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
At some point, however, we start detaching ourselves from the attachment figure, as we learn that our needs will not be met by the other person. Our longing to get our needs met by the attachment figure is deactivated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These processes appear to be similar in infants and adults and relevant for both types of attachment bonds \u2013 the ones with our caregivers (in early childhood) and the ones with our intimate partners (in adulthood).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What is an attachment figure?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The attachment figure serves three main purposes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
First<\/strong>, whenever we feel the need of connection,<\/strong> we automatically turn to the attachment figure and seek closeness<\/strong>. In other words, the attachment figure is our go-to person whenever we\u2019re in need of proximity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Second<\/strong>, the attachment figure provides what\u2019s called \u2018a safe haven<\/strong>\u2019: whenever we feel threatened, anxious, or insecure, the attachment figure restores our sense of safety. The attachment figure responds to our state of vulnerability by providing protection, reassurance, attention, support, and a sense of relief. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Third<\/strong>, the attachment figure takes on the role of a secure base <\/strong>for us. This means that the mere presence of the attachment figure can ease feelings of insecurity and provide a sense of safety. Knowing that we can always run to our secure base, we feel courageous and open to exploring the world around us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For children, exploring is related to the actual act of curiously investigating novelties in the environment. When we grow up, we don\u2019t necessarily do that. Still, a secure base allows us to shift our attention away from attachment-related matters and focus on other aspects of the situations we\u2019re in. <\/p>\n\n\n
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<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nAn additional factor that differentiates attachment figures is that, when we lose contact with them, we feel strong pain and anxiety \u2013 separation distress<\/strong>. Unwanted separation from attachment figures typically results in protest behaviors<\/a> \u2013 both in children and adults \u2013 such as crying or searching for ways to get back to the attachment figure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If we can\u2019t restore the contact with our attachment figures, we usually dive into desperation, depression, and anxiety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This type of strong emotional reaction related to separation is not evident for every relationship we have \u2013 only for the relationships with our attachment figures. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Who Are Attachment Figures?<\/strong><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s natural to assume that the term attachment figures refer to parents. Indeed, this is often the case. An attachment figure, however, could be anyone who was close to us while we were growing up – a grandparent, a sibling, a nanny or kindergarten caregiver, etc. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
During adolescence and adulthood, close friends, coworkers, coaches, leaders, therapists, relatives, and other people close to us can serve attachment functions. Additionally, people might turn to symbolic figures (like God) or imaginary friends in times of need and attain a similar sense of relief, support, and safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An attachment figure:<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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- Is the person we automatically turn to and seek closeness to in times of need<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Provides us with a \u2018safe haven\u2019 – support, reassurance, protection, and relief – when we feel vulnerable or threatened<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Is our \u2018secure base\u2019, because of which we feel safe to direct our attention to and explore other matters (unrelated to attachment and connection)<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Leaves us feeling strong emotional distress after unwanted and prolonged separation from them<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
The 4 Differences Between Attachment and Affiliation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
As John Bowlby was developing attachment theory<\/a>, he differentiated between the attachment and affiliation systems \u2013 two relatively similar behavioral systems that are both related to the ways we interact with other people.<\/p>\n\n\n
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<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nEven though both systems have to do with our personal relationships, attachment and affiliation serve different purposes and should be differentiated from one another. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, what are the differences between the two?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. Attachment interactions occur when we feel threatened or distressed<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
The first difference is that attachment interactions usually occur when an individual feels threatened and distressed. In such situations, they would seek support and safety from the attachment figure. The aim would be to restore their own emotional balance and gain a sense of security. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Affiliation interactions, on the other hand, occur when the individual is calm and confident. Affiliation interactions are typically about having fun together or exchanging information, but not about supporting each other in times of danger or adversity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2. Attachment interactions are exclusive<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Second, attachment interactions are exclusive \u2013 between the individual and the attachment figure. If we were distressed, we would seek support from our attachment figure, not from any other random person. Affiliation interactions are not that exclusive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3. Attachment interactions involve strong emotions<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Third, attachment interactions are characterized by stronger emotional involvement. As we mentioned, attachment interactions typically occur in times of need \u2013 when the individual is scared, ashamed, anxious, sad, etc. Such emotions are stronger and more intense than the ones that accompany affiliation interactions, such as play or exploration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
4. An attachment relationship persists over time<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
In addition, attachment relationships differ from affiliation relationships in their typical duration. While affiliation interactions can be short-term and casual, attachment relationships are usually long-term, and their cessation causes strong distress for both partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Affiliation Interactions in a Attachment Relationship<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The fact that attachment and affiliation interactions are different on several levels doesn\u2019t mean that they exclude each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a relationship with an attachment figure, we often engage in affiliation interactions, such as going grocery shopping with our mothers, going to the movies with our partners, scheduling our next appointments with your therapists, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If none of the partners in the relationship feels threatened or fears separation from the other one, attachment issues might not become salient at all. None of the partners will seek proximity and safety from the other one in an attempt to relieve emotional distress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the contrary, both partners are calm and in a good mood: they enjoy each other\u2019s company and engage in, say, play or exploration together. In that case, we\u2019re talking about affiliation interactions within an attachment relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Take-Home Message <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Attachment is an important part of relationships. Our attachment styles might affect the way we interact with others in various contexts. Nevertheless, it\u2019s important to keep in mind that attachment is not always salient in every single relationship and social interaction we have in our lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not everyone we like or feel close to is an attachment figure. Not every relationship we have is an attachment relationship. And not every bond we form is an attachment bond. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We share these differentiations with you, because they are quite important for understanding attachment theory in its core. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re new to attachment theory and couldn\u2019t quite understand everything we talked about in this blog post, don\u2019t worry – we got you covered! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In our blog, you can get acquainted with attachment theory<\/a> and get to know more about each attachment style – secure<\/a>, anxious<\/a>, avoidant<\/a>, and disorganized<\/a>. And don\u2019t miss the top 10 traps you might fall into, when you first discover attachment theory.<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sources:<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Clinical application<\/a>s of attachment theory<\/em>. London: Routledge<\/p>\n\n\n\n